What are the markers of life, as you float
in aspiration, constructs narrated by a society
of norms that convince you to believe in them.
When religion fails you, and faith seems possessed
only by the need to achieve that this should be the ultimate fate you live for!
You carved out singularly sensitive tales of human life,
brought forth by your own creative soul; but were you
actually, sensitive or sensible as you enjoyed a life,
sometimes in indulgence, and mostly in success,
that you had everything worth having; till one day,
you sat glumly and wondered, turning yourself over
and into yourself; and asked yourself what mattered at all,
when death is all consuming, when everything you
achieved would be battered into a nothingness?!
How did you feel so distressed when you conceived that you were
just a helpless being, between two monsters – birth
and death, and while hanging precariously in between
for dear life, you forgot the terrible dilemma you were faced with,
when a little bit of honey trickled down to you, and you
began to taste it! Did you then take a long time to resolve
the dilemma of existentialism and felt terrorised by it in the process.
Then you, after much tortuous pain, concluded that we have a moral responsibility over a social responsibility!
That the road traveled so far by humanity was a deformity,
a path that we should never have taken in the first place –
of seeking things that shouldn’t have mattered at all, like illusions
that substituted the truth. Then it hit you that we all need moral clarity,
not societal nomenclature – that we so hungrily look forward to and waste
our lives with. And then you began thinking about service to humanity,
generosity, philanthropy, and integrity. How much of life can be
whittled away in pursuits that dictate us and delude us;
to make us strangers to the very truth of our being? The procrastination
of selfhood, awareness, that we let slip by the opportunities to recognise truth, and think that imprisoned normalcy is the duty that keeps us
from moribundity. Do we realise that the journey to be alive is to awaken to greater truths than just merely living!
You had your existential crises, Leo Tolstoy, before arriving at your destined self-
realisation! You concluded, albeit in your fifties, that there is that encumbering
worldly superficiality that must be forsaken for the true pragmatism of exponential self-worth!
I, Leo Tolstoy, never have, unlike you, tasted any success in my life!
I had always organised my talents and aspirations to profundity rather than achieving anything material!
I lived in a secret unexpressed sacredness for too long, though I was always being attacked all the time by
overwhelming profanities. And I decided that I would insulate and immunise myself
from an immoral evil possession even if my spiritual purpose ends in defeat and in vain!
I never, thus, suffered from any existential crises (yet suffer, did I, greatly), nor did I lose
faith in myself; though I felt lost, out of place in a world full of strangeness to me.
I began lonely, so lonely, so aloof, that I never fitted into any behavioural box, and was mercilessly
discriminated against for my resolute non-compliance, frequently called selfishly obdurate by the real transgressors ! But I was filled with a
wonderment and enchantment at my own introversion that began a process of my individuation,
so profound that its structure started falling in place, despite the
injustices I faced, and, in retrospect now, as I stand past 60 years of age, I believe
that the foundation of my integrity and individuation always existed without having
a finger being placed on it to identify it. I should say emphatically that I never had dilemmas of faith
and belief. My convictions lay always bridged. My fortresses of self-worth were always
standing. You know Leo Tolstoy, it is not just moral responsibility that depicts the wholesomeness
of purpose in life, God-like existence is not just restricted to that, total awareness
is beyond morality and assumes proportions of divine enormity; ensconced in
a profound spirituality that takes shape from intuition, conscience and revelation!
When you are brave enough to venture into a territory where you are blamed as wrong,
and in turn, wronged, but you don’t desist from that pervading sense of righteousness!
You seldom talked about that, probably you never adventured into that holistic space!
Leo Tolstoy, you know morality can be disputed! Our civilisational
construct flounders in its own delusion of morality, as you so rightly reasoned. Even, sometimes, according to me,
war becomes moral (beyond even the substance of ethics) when you must bleed society of its illegitimate
gains and wealth, its illegal comforts and conveniences, acquired from evil entities that have
encumbered it for an entire Age! It becomes very easy for those self-indulgent
people to condemn the ones, who want to rectify the wrongs through war and
mass suffering, as maniacs, tyrants and delusional. This is the world we
live in today! You must know that we all must atone for our sins and our
misbegotten prosperity through suffering and precipitated impoverishment.
The most highly aware empaths know this story very well, even at the risk of being ruthlessly calumnised,
abhorred and struck down for their convictions. You know this make-believe pedantic
goodness of vested leaders is only pursuing to secure their own skewedly faulty
fortune and go to the extremes of the most heinous treachery to salvage and justify their
historic illegitimacy. They are, in fact, consigning the world to be beset by evil through to
posterity! Who are the empaths of Greatness, then? The scoundrality
of your convenience propounded by the Peacemakers; or the despicability of the
alleged notorious Warmongers who only want to be cruel to beget eventual kindness, for the benefit of the entire humanity!
montes-musings.blog 